Thursday, October 19, 2006


Two penguins are hanging out on an ice shelf.

PENGUIN #1: You're dressed up.
PENGUIN #2: I'm going to a wedding later.
PENGUIN #1: Who's getting married?
PENGUIN #2: My sister.
PENGUIN #1: Oh, well, congratulations!
PENGUIN #2: I know you slept with her.
PENGUIN #1: What?
PENGUIN #2: Stay away from her, man.
PENGUIN #1: I haven't talked to her in months, all right?
PENGUIN #2: How do you think she feels about that?
PENGUIN #1: Uh, I don't know.
PENGUIN #2: She had to have an abortion, you know.
PENGUIN #1: Oh man, I'm sorry.
PENGUIN #2: (laughs) I'm just kidding.
PENGUIN #1: What?
PENGUIN #2: She didn't get an abortion. The baby froze to death.
PENGUIN #2: Well, I better get going. The wedding's in Texas.
PENGUIN #1: Texas?
PENGUIN #2: Yeah, I know.
PENGUIN #1: Make sure your tux doesn't shrink!
PENGUIN #2: (laughs)

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Hey Mark,

How's Paris?


Tuesday, June 06, 2006


In honor of 666 today, I am going to do the following:

*Go to the dentist.
*Do some work.
*Maybe watch a Woody Allen movie.
*Eat at Subway.

All of these are clearly signs of the apocalypse.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

more like the lion pansy

I watched part of "The Lion King" last night. Here are some observations:

*In that one part where old Simba is laying down looking at the stars, a cloud of dust floats up in the air, and yes, it most definitely spells the word "sex."

*Somehow, JTT (Jonathan Taylor Thomas) and his wascally voice does not pose as much of a threat to girls liking him over me anymore. I think I can safely assume that Brigitte does not prefer an 11 year old boy portraying a tiny, adorable (and I mean ADORABLE! Especially when he's a little baby lion and the monkey thing puts some coconut stuff on his forehead.) lion. Or does she?

*This movie is chock full of metaphors and allegories on life that I never picked up on when I was 11 and saw this movie. Maybe it's because I was so preoccupied with my hatred of Simba. Or, more appropriately, JTT.

*Darth Vader is Simba's father? Worst/best casting choice ever.

*Aladdin is still way better, as it contains none of that "message" crap.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

this shall be the new giant Minneapolis public subsidized building

The six-story baseball/good TV show museum, complete with rooms that you can go into where you literally are inside the best of the best, a giant library full of books that are actually about TV shows, and a lazy river that you can float around in. At least it came to me in my dreams last night.

Dear Minneapolis, cancel the stadium thing. We need a museum. Of TV shows. And the 1991 Minnesota Twins.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Extending the Archives

Now, thanks to this post, you can browse through Legends history and see that someone posted something in June 2006.

Something substantive to satisfy your troubled mind: a sentence.

An unlucky octogenarian eats eleven oranges intrepidly every hour.

It's not a tongue twister, but try saying it three times fast. I haven't tried it, but I bet it's hard.