Today is a song by some band I've never heard of.

Today I made up some words. They are:

Roundingvillephabet
Usurpathonmonbon
Northhamptonkyonky
Preherbamamdatory
Unfitferuitrients

I used the first two in sentences. Like so:

"Is today Roundingvillephabet?"
"No, you buffoon, it's Usurpathonmonbon!"

The Dreamworld

Last night I dreamt that I wrote a book (it was called "The Door Warrior," whatever that means), but I only wrote part of it. I guess I sent it in for publication when I only had 40 pages done, and since I didn't have it copyrighted, some jerk at the publishing company decided to finish it himself. The copyright notice inside the book said something about how every word, idea, and thought that appeared in the book was copyrighted by the jerk, whose name was like Michael H. Really-long-name-beginning-with-the-letter-C.

In my semi-sleepified state, I told myself that people can't copyright ideas. But in my current and slightly more aware state, I realize that I should start copyrighting ideas up and down and then sue writers left and right. Then I'd have all the directions covered.

Hey Everybody!

I just went down yonder on the chatahooch.


And decided to spend the several hours before my hardest final looking at people's blogs! On the chattahooch!


Something tells me that in Minnetonka I won't be seeing Pandas do squat. Or anything else!

The Slower You Go, the Sooner You Die

Today on my way home from work, I got stuck behind of all things a cement-mixing truck (or at least cement-mixing-truck-shaped). It was going obnoxiously slow, maxing out at about 25.

If you ask me, cement-mixing trucks of all varieties of trucks should not have to worry about being cautious. If you spin out or tip over or something, it's not like you'll explode or anything. Nor will anyone around you be seriously hurt; the cement will just slow them down. Plus it would just be cool to have cement spill everywhere.

So my message to the cement-mixing truck driver is: Quit your job and start a rap career.

something amazing

On my walk through the skyway to work today, I discovered something I've never seen before:

POLAR BEARS WALKING ON THE TIGHT ROPE.

What a world we live in!

a cryptic note designated for Ben

Ben,

I have recently discovered that the place that I will be working at features free service to the place that you are working at. Which means, of course, I will be calling about every five minutes, demanding that I get attention from you.

SUCKERS!

Mark

Wearing Shoes

I always have trouble in the morning picking out which pair of shoes to wear. Usually I can just pick which pair best matches my outfit, but today it was different. I chose my shoes based on which pair was easiest to put on while eating cereal.

The Latest Development

So instead of posting what I originally wrote here, I'll tell you what just happened to me right now.

I was about to google "tallest person" so that I could see whether or not he played basketball, but instead of typing "tallest person" into a Google bar, I typed it straight into the bar where you type the website. Somehow, several results showed up, and nearly all of these were titled "NO SHEEP!"

What do a lack of sheep and great height have in common? Complete and utter boredom.

I Had A Dream...

So in between hits on the snooze alarm, I had a dream that I was hangin' out in my garage (like I usually do) and I found, in the garage, the latest toy craze that is sure to get the kids a-shoppin':

CACTUS BALL.

I thought the Cactus Ball was really cool, until I touched it. Then, it just plain hurt.

Whoever thought Cactus Ball was a good idea was SORE-ly mistaken. (What a pun!)

Really Long Story

This actually happened to a friend of a friend, but I'm going to tell it as if it happened to me.

So I was driving home from some dirtwater burg is southern Minnesota in my dad's big ugly truck when BAM! I smacked right into a pig. A real porker. Killed it dead with front end of that big ugly truck. I looked around, thinking this hog may have strayed from its home pig farm, but there were no pig farms nor other pigs in sight.

What do you with a dead pig in the middle of southern Minnesota? It seemed like the only right thing to do was take it down the road to the nearest farm to apologize and whatnot. I knocked on this farmer's door, told him I killed a pig down the road, and he says to me, "Why, we gon' have to butcher that piggy!" "We?" I asked. "Why, 'course, son. I'll send you off with some nice cuts!"

Well, we strung that swine up on a deer hook and gutted it out in that farmer's shed. He quick treated some of the meat for me, and I was off again, now four pork chops and a few bacon strips richer.

Not five minutes after I left that farm, I get pulled over by the local sheriff. "You kill a pig a ways back down this road here?" he asks me. I didn't know how he could have known, but I fessed up. Apparently this officer of the law knew my name, address, driver's license number, and social security code too, and he didn't even ask for my license.

"How do you know all this stuff about me?" I asked.

He said to me,

"The pig squealed."

can someone please...

Can someone please explain to me the reason for the existence of cherry tomatoes?

Not that I'm talking them down; I think they're great.

Clint Eastwood

Seriously you guys, when did he get so frightening?

Big Orange Snowsuit

This morning, as I was hanging up my coat in the coat closet, I saw a big orange snowsuit hanging up in there as well. A big orange snowsuit. At a big boring corporation. Who does that?

The really interesting thing is that I've never looked in that corner of the closet before, so that big orange snowsuit may have been there forever. It may be home to all the mice I see running around on the floor or to the bats that occasionally dive at us in our cubes. It may be host to more mysteries than I can count!

But mostly it reminded me of the orange piccolo man from Madison. For a second I thought he moved to Minneapolis and got a job as a clinical psychologist at my insurance company. But who does that?

legends have dreams, too.

Last night, I dreamed that I was walking down this big hill and I realized that I was in Sweden with my good friend, Jose Canseco. When we got to the bottom of the hill, we realized the town was submerged in water and we had to jump to different parts of land that were sticking out of the water.

Lucky for us, there was some Swedish girl who knew her way around town and was also swimming around in a bikini. She and Jose jumped into the water and started swimming around. I couldn't swim, so I had to jump far to get back onto the land.

I lost them, so I looked around town. I walked into a room, and they were in there, and apparently they had become a couple. I yelled, "C'mon, Jose, we gotta go, we've gotta get out of Sweden."

When I said that, I thought to myself, "Man, it's weird having a friend named Jose."

She wears her heart on her sleeve

Every time I tune into Clueless, the tv show, it's that episode where her boyfriend dies in a drunk driving accident. Seriously, every time. Clueless is so depressing.



I'm in Nevada!

Restless Leg

Has anyone ever heard of "Restless Leg Syndrome"? Sounds like a 60s B-movie about an anarchist gang called the Restless Leg that invents a disease the wipes out the entire population of Earth except for Charlton Heston, some other dude, and that girl from Barbarella all on some deserted island. At one point Charlton Heston gets shot and eaten by monkeys. Then Barbarella and the other dude are rescued by surfer astronauts from the future.

somtimes

Sometimes, Legends even lose their keys.

And then, sometimes, Legends, after tearing their entire apartment apart, find their keys underneath table cloths that Legends thought they had already checked.

And then, somtimes, Legends don't ever want to lose things again.

I WANT TO KNOW!

Did anybody ever really get beaten up for their lunch money?

only on laguna beach

Only on Laguna Beach could there be a "previously on" that features a girl yelling "YOU ARE SUCH A WHORE!" to the backdrop of inspirational pitter-patter-piano music.

Ah, Laguna Beach, you are the best.

The Last Fifteen Minutes

I wish there was a way to make time go faster. I think this would have to be a variant of the time machine, and I think it would work like so. First you travel forward in time to the time you wish it would be. Once there, you hang out with your future self for a while, which would be totally awesome because future self + present self = most fun ever. And by the time you're done hanging out, you can travel back to your present time, and all those minutes you were waiting to pass are GONE! Sure, you may not have existed for a certain block of time, but you don't care, cuz you're about to hang out with your past self!

somebody get this freakin' duck away from me.

Here's a tip to the entire world -- don't park your car in a no parking zone and then not check on it for a few days, because to get your car back, you a)have to pay a lot of money, and b)stand in the cold in a crappy building for a long time, and c)scrape the thick ice off the windshield of your car.

Just don't do it. Tell them I told you.

the combover, in visual form.

two observations.

1) Hey baldies who grow a combover: give it up! You're bald. Combovers look terrible.

2) There's a type of popcorn by Pop Secret called "Home Style". By "home style," they really mean "loaded with salt and butter." Instead of calling it "home style," they should just call it what it is -- FREAKING DELICIOUS.

On the lap: PUN!

As I have nothing to do and ended up looking down toward my feet, I discovered that my lap was missing, and this got me pondering about the nature of the lap. Here are my thoughts collected in a form for easy absorption.

-People don't talk about their laps very much.
-The lap is much too inactive. It ought to learn to dance.
-The lap is the only part of my body that I cannot figure out how to make produce sound.
-The lap is actually an arbitrary construct and therefore illusory.
-Taller people do not necessarily have bigger laps.
-Lap surface area is directly proportional to athletic ability.
-There is no such thing as lap cancer or cancer of the lap.
-It is highly unlikely that one would rig the lap with an explosive.
-If other animals had laps, they would also be superintelligent.
-You cannot store things in your lap like a kangaroo pouch.
-All laps require knees, but not all knees can produce laps.

criminy!

I just found a peanut stuck to a raisin sitting in the middle of my living room floor.

man alive

My shower in my apartment was about to explode today, I think. Turns out that some thing inside the thing that you use to turn it on and off was busted, but my shower was on for about three hours this afternoon. It was nuts, I tell you.

Almost as nuts as the Duff Sisters' doing a movie together!

The Duff sisters unite

I cannot contain my excitement.

Famous Daves and Libraries.

I like to think of this blog as a place where I offer up my advice to the world reading.

Do yourselves a favor, world, do not bring Famous Daves to the library.

Hallucinating

There is a picture of a baby on a calendar in my coworker's cube. When I take my glasses off, the baby looks like a giraffe. This makes me think that this baby is actually a giraffe in disguise, which makes me think that all babies are actually giraffes in disguise. Beware.

Stripes

Why have I never seen a horizontal stripe on a shirt? Oh wait, I have.

plus, a true story.

So, I got a land line for my apartment, right? So anyway, I picked a number that I thought would be really easy to remember (I won't divulge it for fear of more annoying people getting it, but let's just say it has a lot of 1's in a row) but turns out was used in the past by some hospital.

So, the last week or so, people have called pretty much every morning at about 7:30 asking if this is the ear nose and throat doctor, or, my personal favorite, if this was the gastro and urology wing of the hospital. I say to you people, screw you, let me sleep, you jerks.

Oh, people who call me early in the morning with a wrong number. You are idiots.

what is that stuff?

You know the feeling you get when you don't brush your teeth, and it's all kinda filmy on your teeth?

What IS that stuff?

Anybody?

The Triune Force is now Complete

I am here. Ta da.

But this can't all be about inflating my ego, so I submit to you this sudden idea:

Pancakes and waffles: is a combination possible? I answer no. The waffle is actually a texured pancake. Your thoughts?

Out.

what you hear on the streets is true.

Yes, it is indeed true.

When I use a dual monitor computer, I need to have two internet browsers open, so I feel like the two monitors are balanced out. If I have one browser open and an open desktop on the other, I feel so out of whack that I can't concentrate on anything.

Speaking of Ben's personal post about short term memory loss, I do think it's a funny topic to talk about.

So, yes, I can't stand it when I only have one browser open. I need the balance!

You know what's hilarious? Short term memory loss.

My first post!

Its true that people smell. If you wait until the fortnight to shower, you will smell bad.

Well, today I was sitting on the bus when a primly dressed elderly woman entered. I was sitting way in the back, but the moment she hit that first step this delightful smell of baby powder and lilacs invaded my nose. I use the word "delightful" loosely as I don't like the smell of either baby powder or lilacs. But I'll tell you one thing, I definitely knew where it was coming from.

LEGENDS.

We are legends. We are the greatest.

You know what I love? Parmesan cheese. Did you know that it melts if you get it hot enough? I did not know that until today. The kind that you get in a can and put in your refridgerator can MELT. MELT!

This journal is dedicated to the Legends of LiveJournal, the ones who escaped with our humility and our humble natures. Yes, LiveJournal is much worse off without our presence, and we are much better off by starting this Legends' blog.

In fact, I am going to announce the Legends Awards show. Guess who wins all the awards?! WE DO.